Funny Stuff From My Email

What My Parents Taught Me...

1. My parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My parents taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My parents taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My parents taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My parents taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My parents taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My parents taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My parents taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My parents taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father/mother!"

15. My parents taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My parents taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My parents taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My parents taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My parents taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My parents taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father/mother."

23. My parents taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My parents taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My parents taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Goodbye Mom

A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I

haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would

make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout ... and as she was on her way out of the
store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother." The little old lady waved and
smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to
pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much?! I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things,
too."

The MORAL OF THIS STORY:

DO NOT TRUST LITTLE OLD LADIES

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987 . They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine

They have always had cable.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.!

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter

Do you feel old yet? (Sorry) Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.

The accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days". Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

*MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, don't mess with them.*

Subject: PREGNANT BIRD

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to
play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
   When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven,
Removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the
Turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(S) back in
the oven.

   When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the
oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit
something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

   With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this
Horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

This is so weird that it will boggle your mind . . . . . AND you

will keep trying to do it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!!!

I told you so . . . and there is nothing you can do about it.

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig up his garden so he could plant his tomatoes; but it was very hard work as the
ground was so hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in
prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his
predicament.

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year.  I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.  If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the
plot for me.
                                                            Love, Dad

  A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Do your summer house cleaning stuff, but don't dig that garden. That's where
I buried the BODIES.

Love, Vinnie

....At 4 a.m. the next morning,
FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without
finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day,
the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

You grew up in Minnesota if...

You know how to polka, but never tried it sober....

You know what knee-high by the Fourth of July means.

You know it is traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between the reception and wedding dance.

You know the difference between "Green" and "Red" farm machinery, and would fight with your friends on the playgroundover which was better!

You buy Christmas presents at Farm Supply.

You spent more on beer & liquor than you did on food at your wedding.

You hear someone use the word "oof-dah" and you don't break into uncontrollable laughter.

You know that "combine" is a noun.

You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post in the middle of winter.

You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions.

You know that "creek" rhymes with "pick".

Football schedules, hunting season and harvest are all taken into consideration before wedding dates are set.

A Friday night date is getting a six-pack and taking your girlfriend shining for deer.

Saturday you go to your local bowling alley.

Every wedding dance you have ever been to has the hokey pokey and the chicken dance.

Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.

The local gas station sells live bait.

At least twice a year some part of your home doubles as a meat processing plant.

You think that the start of deer season is a national holiday.

Pop is the only name for soda. (I disagree)

Minnesotans

A group of Minnesota friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Bob?" the others asked.

"Bob had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Bob laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Bob!

IN MOST OF THE NORTHERN STATES, THERE IS A POLICY OF CHECKING ON ANYSTALLED VEHICLE ON THE HIGHWAY WHEN THE TEMPERATURES DROP DOWN TO THE SINGLE DIGITS OR BELOW.

ABOUT 3 A.M. ONE VERY COLD MORNING IN MARCH 2004, A STATE POLICEOFFICER RESPONDED TO A CALL: THERE WAS A CAR OFF THE SHOULDER OF THEROAD ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF CASPER. HE LOCATED THE CAR, STUCK IN DEEP SNOW AND WITH THE ENGINE STILL RUNNING.

PULLING IN BEHIND THE CAR WITH HIS EMERGENCY LIGHTS ON, THE OFFICERWALKED TO THE DRIVER'S DOOR TO FIND AN OLDER MAN PASSED OUT BEHIND THE WHEEL WITH A NEARLY EMPTY VODKA BOTTLE ON THE SEAT BESIDE HIM.

THE DRIVER CAME AWAKE WHEN THE OFFICER TAPPED ON THE WINDOW. SEEING THE ROTATING LIGHTS IN HIS REAR VIEW MIRROR AND THE STATE POLICEMAN STANDING NEXT TO HIS CAR, THE MAN PANICKED, JERKED THE GEARSHIFT INTO "DRIVE" AND HIT THE GAS.

THE CAR'S SPEEDOMETER WAS SHOWING 20-30-40 AND THEN 50 MPH, BUT IT WASSTILL STUCK IN THE SNOW, WHEELS SPINNING.

THE POLICEMAN, HAVING A SENSE OF HUMOR, BEGAN RUNNING IN PLACE NEXT TO THE SPEEDING, BUT STILL STATIONARY, CAR. THE DRIVER WAS TOTALLY FREAKED OUT THINKING THE OFFICER WAS ACTUALLY KEEPING UP WITH HIM.

THIS GOES ON FOR ABOUT 30 SECONDS WHEN THE PATROLMAN YELLED AT THE MAN ORDERING HIM TO "PULL OVER!" THE MAN OBEYED, TURNED HIS WHEEL AND STOPPED THE ENGINE.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE MAN FROM CASPER WAS ARRESTED AND IS PROBABLY STILL SHAKING HIS HEAD OVER THE STATE PATROLMAN WHO COULD RUN 50 MILES PER HOUR.

WHO SAYS POLICEMEN DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR?

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothinghappened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those crooks deducted $95.00 in taxes.