When I was born I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.
-- Gracie Allen
The hardest thing about any political compaign is how to win without proving that you are unworthy of the winning.
--Adlai Stevenson, American politician
If you want to recapture your youth, cut off his allowance.
Is it because light travels faster than sound that some people appear bright until they speak?
I could now afford all the things I never had as a kid, if I didn't have kids.
-- Robert Orben, writer
Adolescence: the period when children are certain they will never be as stupid as their parents.
How can one conceive of a one party system in a country that has over 200 varieties of cheese.
--Charles de Gaulle, French president (1890-1970)
How come dumb stuff seems so smart while you're doing it?
-- Dennis the Menace
Horsepower was a wonderful thing when only horses had it.
The four stages of man are infancy, childhood, adolescence, and obsolescence.
--Art Linkletter, TV personality
You people should take better care of yourselves. Stop poisoning your bodies with tobacco and atom bombs. Sooner or later, that kind of stuff will kill you.
--Quark, Star Trek: Deep Space 9
My car broke down and my phone got disconnected. I was one electric bill away from being Amish.
--Tom Ryan
Originality is unexplored territory. You get there by carrying a canoe -- you can't take a taxi.
--Alan Alda, actor
I never got respect. When I was a kid and played hide-and-seek, they wouldn't even look for me.
--Rodney Dangerfield
Bald: when one has less hair to comb but more face to wash.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
-- Steven Wright
When you aim for perfection, you discover it's a moving target.
-- George Fisher
I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.
-- Henny Youngman
Any new venture goes through these stages: enthusiasm, complication, disillusionment, search for the guilty, punishment of the innocent, and glory to those who did nothing.
I have not lost my mind; it's backed up on disc somewhere.
Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours
No opera plot can be sensible, for people do not sing when they are feeling sensible.
90% of people couldn't start a conversation if the weather didn't change occassionally.
An American can be considered successful when it costs him more to support the government than his family.
A person who is always losing his head probably has a screw loose.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes.
Acting is the most minor of gifts and not a very high-class way to earn a living. Never forget that they don't give a Nobel Prize for it, and that Shirley Temple was doing it perfectly adequately at the age of 4.
If two men on the same job agree all the time, then one is useless. If they disagree all the time, then both are useless.
In Hollywood you can be forgotten while you're out of the room going to the toilet.
Influence is something you think you have until you try to use it.
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.
The way some people find fault, you'd think there is a reward.
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.
-- Alexander Woollcott, writer (1887-1943)
Life is like long-distance running. Only if you plan clever use of your strength can you make the course and still have reserves at the end.
People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.
--Dan Quayle, politician
Your theory is crazy, but it's not crazy enough to be true.
--Niels Bohr, physicist
A meeting is where people talk about things they should be doing.
How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? None: "The user can work it out."
The easiest kind of relationship for me is with ten thousand people. The hardest is with one.
-- Joan Baez, singer
We must make the world honest before we can honestly say to our children that honesty is the best policy.
--George Bernard Shaw
You know you're on a career roll when your favorite task is yawning.
A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.
--John Barrymore, actor
In the fall we enjoy autumn leaves, especially when autumn leaves them on other people's lawns.
A successful career requires falling in love many times with your work.
--Frank Watson
Everybody is entitled to my opinion.
--Madonna, singer
The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that he is already degraded.
-- George Orwell, writer (1903-1950)
The block of granite which was an obstacle in the pathway of the weak becomes a stepping-stone in the pathway of the strong.
-- Thomas Carlyle
You know you're getting older when your favorite form of recreation is just staying in whatever position you're already in.
The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears it is true.
-- J. Robert Oppenheimer, American physicist