1. Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day crack habit?
4. Jarone want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs, 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to steal to make $800?
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
9. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%, how many more children should she have to keep up with her expenses?
10. Salvador was arrested for dealing crack and his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by jumping bail?

(For best results, read aloud)

I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.

I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.

When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.

I have nothing, nothing to hide.
My friend, he took me for a ride.

Did you take this person's life?
Did you do it with a knife?

I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not anytime.

Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.

I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would, not, anytime.

And now I'm free, I can return.
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Hey now I'm free -- Give back my glove!!

A new priest at at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

    
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The father, son and the holy ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the big T.
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body," he did not say "Eat me."
12. The virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the cherry."
13. The recomended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah-God."
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy.

It's 11:00pm, and your friends buy you a round of drinks. Your unemployed friends. You get up to leave, but then you say to yourself, "Hey, as long as I get seven hours sleep....I'm cool."

It's midnight, and you've just spent twenty minutes arguing against artificial turf. Right about then a little devil appears on your shoulder, and you look at your watch and think to yourself, "Hey, I'm among my friends, and these are the good times. Besides, as long as I get five hours' sleep.... I'm cool."

It's 1:00am, and you've switched from beer to tequila. You've just spent twenty minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. You look around, and say, "That's about the hottest waitress I've ever seen".

On your way to the bathroom, you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar, just because you like his face. You and your friends start having drunken fantasies that, "hey, if we buy our own bar, we can stay together forever".

Right about then, you notice that the devil is a bit bigger than he was....and he's buying. You start to leave, but then squint at your watch and say to yourself, "Hey, as long as I get three hours' sleep---and a complete change of blood....I'm cool."

It's 2:00am, and the devil is bartending. For last call, you order a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf. On your way to the bathroom, you punch out the stranger at the end of the bar, just because you don't like his face.

You look around, and say, "That's about the hottest busboy I've ever seen". You finally stagger outside (after being kicked out), when one of your friends says that he knows the whereabouts of an after-hours bar. You say to yourself, "Hey, since I'm up this late, why, I might as well stay up all night!!!"

It's 5:00am, and you've just spent twenty minutes trying unsuccessfully to get a refund at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't KNOW anyone named Ruby!!"). You're across the state line at a bar where there are people who've been released from prison as late as that same day. This is the kind of bar that even the devil won't touch (Hey, I have to be back in Hell at 9 for brunch with Hitler; see ya). You're drinking some thick blue liquid that looks like something barbers use to clean their combs.. You see the waitress, with fresh stitches in her head, and say, "I'm gonna marry her". Just then, one of your friends stands up and screams, "We're drivin' to Florida!!!", then passes out.

As you crawl out of the bar, you say to yourself, "Hey, as long as I get twenty-nine hours' sleep tomorrow....I'm cool." After crawling outside, you experience the worst part of Stage Five: the sun shining down at you, like God's flashlight. By this time, other people are on their way to work, and they look down at you and see the sorry state you're in...and they know. "Who's Ruby?", they ask as they give you their spare change.

This is when you utter the Drinkers' Credo; say it with me now: "I SWEAR THAT I WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN," (for how long??) "AS LONG AS I LIVE!" Some of the die-hards even have a small postscript: "And this time, I really mean it!"

1. If you went to bed at 8:00 pm at night and set the alarm on your analog alarm clock to get you up at 9:00 in the morning, how many hours sleep would you get? __________
2. Do they have a Fourth of July in England? __________
3. How many birthdays does the average man have? __________
4. Why can't a man living in Winston - Salem, North Carolina be buried west of the Mississippi River? __________
5. If a doctor gave you three pills and told you to take one every half hour, how long would they last you? __________
6. Some months have 30 days, some have 31; how many have 28 days? __________
7. If you had only one match and entered a room where there was a kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a wood burning stove, which would you light first? __________
8. Anne builds a house with four sides to it, and it is rectangular in shape; each side has a southern exposure. A big bear wanders by - what color is the bear? __________
9. How far can a dog run into the woods? __________
10. What four words appear on every denomination of U.S. coin? __________
11. What is the minimum number of active baseball players "on the field" during any part of an inning? __________ How many outs in each inning? __________
12. I have in my hand only 2 U.S. coins which total 55 cents in value. One is NOT a nickel. Please bear this in mind! What are the two coins? __________
13. A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many did he have left? __________
14. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer? __________
15. Two men were playing checkers. Each played 5 games and each man won the same number of games. No draws. How can you figure this? _________________________
16. An archaeologist claimed he found some coins of gold dated "46 B.C.". Do you think that he really did? Explain. _________________________
17. Take two apples from three apples and what do you have? __________
18. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents. The woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How can this be? ____________________
19. How many animals of each species did Moses take on the ark with him? _______________
20. In California, can a man marry his widow's sister? __________

1. 1 hour, because analog clock does not differentiate between am & pm
2. Although the Fourth of July in England does not have the same meaning, they still have a July Fourth
3. Your only born once . . . .So ONE
4. He can't be burried there because he's still alive!!! Duh, read the question carefully!
5. ONE hour, because you take one right away
6. All 12 months have at least 28 days.
7. THE MATCH, Think people!
8. This one was a tuffy, the bear is white. If all four walls have a southern exposure, then the house must be on the north pole. The only bears on the north pole are polar bears, which are white.
9. A dog can only run in half way, after that he is running out of the woods.
10. There are two answers to this one. United States of America, and In God We Trust
11. There are 10 ( 9 fielders and the batter), and 6 outs in an inning ( 3 for each half)
12. The two coins are a nickel and a half dollar. Although one is not a nickel, the other is. Please don't hurt me, I didn't write this.
13. 9 are left. The question specifically said, and I quote "All but 9 died".
14. The answer is 70. When you divide by a fraction, you multiply by the reciprocal. 30 * 2 is 60 , + 10 is 70.
15. They each played somebody else. The question never said they played each other
16. In 46 BC they didn't know there would be an AD, so why would they print BC on their coins, so no there was no such discovery.
17. If there are three apples on the table, and you take two, you now have two in your hand. The answer is TWO
18. The beggar is the woman's sister. Tricky, aren't they?
19. Moses didn't go on the ark, NOAH did.
20. OF COURSE NOT, he is dead.

15 - 20 correct is genius
10 - 15 correct is normal
Less than 10 is somewhat abnormal - perhaps the whole thing is crazy????????

   Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

   We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

   And why is that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices?

   Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you can comb through the annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends, and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

   If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tounge?

   Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

   How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

   Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experience requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly, or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

   You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

   English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course is not a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my whatch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

How Many?

Read this sentence:

   Finished files are the result of years of scientific study combined with the experience of years.

Now count aloud the F's in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE. Do not go back and count them again. See answer below...



Answer below...



Answer below...



Answer below...



Answer below...



ANSWER:

There are six F's in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds three of them. If you spotted four, you're above average. If you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody. If you caught six, you are a genius. There is no catch. Many people forget the "OF"'s. The human brain tends to see them as "V's" instead of "F's".

• You define Summer as three months of bad sledding
• Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar
• Snow tires come standard on all your cars
• At least 50% of your relatives work on a dairy farm
• You have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week
• You can identify a Michigan accent
• You know what "cow-tipping" is
• You learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were your bike
• "Down South" to you means Chicago
• Traveling coast to coast means going from Superior to Milwaukee
• The "Big Three" means Miller, Old Milwaukee & PBR
• A brat is something you eat
• You know that Eau Claire is not something you eat
• You have no problem spelling Milwaukee
• You got a passport to go to Minnesota
• You don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon
• You used to think Deer Season was included as an official school holiday
• You know that Gotham is a real city
• You can actually pronounce and spell Oconomowoc
• You know what a bubbler is
• The snow on your roof in August weighs more than you do
• Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow next to your blue spruce
• You think there should be a "FIB go home" bumper sticker on every car north of Madison
• A Friday night out is taking your girlfriend shining for deer
• You go out for fish fry on every Friday
• You go to work in a snowsuit in the morning and return home wearing shorts
• When you tell someone where you are from and they say: 'I thought that was part of Canada'
• Your idea of the seasons is Winter, Spring and the 4th of July
• You know how to polka
• You think that Lutheran and Catholics ARE the major religions
• Formal wear is a flannel shirt, blue jeans and a baseball cap
• Your children describe their summer vacation out of state as a "trip to Door County"
• You have to go to Florida to get a tan in August
• You define "swimming season" as Labor Day weekend
• Your 4th of July Family Picnic was moved indoors due to frost
• You know where the city of Waunakee is AND can pronounce it (by the way, Waunakee is a village!)
• You have more fishing poles than teeth
• You decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend

In case your frustration level rises today: This is for everyone who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone:

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still laying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and heard his voice.

"Hello?"

I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

Keep reading, it gets better.

One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here first!"

The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car is parked right out front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial jackass # 1. The man answered nicely and I yelled, "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No!"

He said, "What's your name, pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jackass # 2. He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.

Another quick call to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious!

I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it off the evening news!

50.  Act naturally
49.  Found missing
48.  Resident alien
47.  Advanced BASIC
46.  Genuine imitation
45.  Airline Food
44.  Good grief
43.  Same difference
42.  Almost exactly
41.  Government organization
40.  Sanitary landfill
39.  Alone together
38.  Legally drunk
37.  Silent scream
36.  British fashion
35.  Living dead
34.  Small crowd
33.  Business ethics
32.  Soft rock
31.  Butt Head
30.  Military Intelligence
29.  Software documentation
28.  New York culture
27.  New classic
26.  Sweet sorrow
25.  Childproof
24.  "Now, then ..."
23.  Synthetic natural gas
22.  Christian Scientists
21.  Passive aggression
20.  Taped live
19.  Clearly misunderstood
18.  Peace force
17.  Extinct Life
16.  Temporary tax increase
15.  Computer jock
14.  Plastic glasses
13.  Terribly pleased
12.  Computer security
11.  Political science
10.  Tight slacks
9.   Definite maybe
8.   Pretty ugly
7.   Twelve-ounce pound cake
6.   Diet ice cream
5.   Rap music
4.   Working vacation
3.   Exact estimate
2.   Religious tolerance
1.   Microsoft Works

• Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea".

• Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

• Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick".

• When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.

• Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

• An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

• Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.

• Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate".

• The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth".

• When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant".

• Cheverolet attempted to market their popular car the Nova in Mexico, where it sold very poorly. Of course, in Spanish, "No va" means won't go. Not suprisingly, people didn't want to buy a car that wouldn't go.

WASHINGTON, DC--On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans.

The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of US citizens who lack any real skills or uses.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their own--do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter. Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: Xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of non-abled Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality."

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance- based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.

The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire non-abled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for every two talented new hires.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the non-abled by banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?"

"As a non-abled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This new law should really help people like me."

With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and millions of other untalented, nonessential citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless ofhis or her of value to society, some sort of space to take up in this great nation.

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

A man needs some help running his cattle ranch so he hires two men to help him. In the morning when he goes out to see how they're doing he sees one of them rinding a donkey backwards, and one of them riding a cow. This worried the man a little so he told them to see a shrink.

The shrink asked the first guy some questions, and the last two were 'If I took this pencil and stuck it in your eye what would happen?' To which he answered 'I wouldn't be able to see out of that eye.' and the last question was 'And if I stuck this pencil in your other eye what would happen?' to which the guy answred 'Well, I wouldn't bee able to see at all.' so the shrink told him to go and send in his friend. So the first guy left and on the way out he told his friend (who wasn't to smart) that the answers to the last to questions are ' I wouldn't be able to see out of one eye, and, I wouldn't bee able to see at all' so the second guy went in and the shrink asked him a bunch of questions and the second to last one was 'If I take this knife and cut off your ear what would happen?' And the second guy answered 'I wouldn't be able to see out of one eye.' and the last question was 'And if I take this kife and cut off your other ear what would happen?' To which he answered 'I wouldn't be able to see at all.' The shrink was sure this guy was crazy so he started looking for his strait jacket and as he was looking he asked 'Why?' And the guy answered 'Because my cowboy hat would fall down over my eyes.'

(Scene 1)

KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?

KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount to nothing.

KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they know these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.

KATE: Thank you. So are you.

LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my "brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.

KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and people start dying.

WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you saved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I'll throw an elderly person into the water.

AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)

***
(Scene 2)

LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your fiance.

KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to me.

AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!

LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of course you have to take off your clothes.

KATE: But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for that sort of thing?

LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo will sell out.

NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what happened.

KATE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)

***
(Scene 3)

FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.

CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking)

ICEBERG: (hits boat)

FIRST MATE: That can't be good.

CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!

AUDIENCE: (silence)

FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.

AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo?

***
(Scene 4)

LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking

KATE: That is terrible

LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified behavior?

KATE: Certainly.

WEASELLY FIANCE: (aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here: (to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet-somehow-less-annoying-than-you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously.

LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?

WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway-

AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!

LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.

AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.

WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people.

***
(Scene 5)

150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn't been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and who's making my supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why, when I was - hey! Don't you walk away from me, Mr. Snooty-Patootie! I'd turn you over my kneee, if I had one. I'll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come back here!

(Fade to black; roll credits; play annoyingly overplayed Celine Dion song.)

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to put in his bag , a strange voice echoed from the dark saying " Jesus is watching you".

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more he shook his head and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could unplug it the voice returned, clear as a bell, and said "Jesus is watching you". Freaked out, he shined his light about frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally , in the corner of the room his flashlight came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot

"Yep", the parrot confessed. He then squawked,"I'm just trying to warn you".

The burglar relaxed, "Warn me huh? Who the heck are you?"

"My name is Moses", replied the parrot. The burglar laughed and said "What kind of stupid people would name a bird Moses?"

The parrot replied "Probably the same kind of people who would name a rottweiler Jesus".

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated:

Wash. Biol. Surv.

until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs:

While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

The bands are now marked "Fish and Wildlife Service".

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

1. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they are all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
2. That telltale lemmon slice in the dog's water bowl.
3. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
4. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal and saffron demi-glace, with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.
5. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.
6. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.
7. No matter where you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
8. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
9. You walk up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
10. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.

Dormitory	Dirty Room
Evangelist	Evil's Agent
Desperation	A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code	Here Come Dots
Slot Machines	Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity	Is No Amity
Mother-in-law	Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms	Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness	Genuine Class
Semolina	Is No Meal
A Decimal Point	I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes	That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two	Twelve plus one
Contradiction	Accord not in it

These are truly amazing:

To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."

And the Anagram:

"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."

This one is pretty funny!

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."

-Neil Armstrong

The Anagram:

"A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!"

This one is beyone belief!

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA

TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer andalcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancinglike an asshole.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friendswant to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shingslike thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone themat 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you areinvisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally "disappear."

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

1. What does HMO stand for?

A: It's actually a variation of the phrase "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Dr. Moe Howard: A patient can be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern medical practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

2.Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A: No. Only those you need. And a doctor is not the determinor of need, as he's just a money-grubbing parasite, and thus is not impartial enough to make that judgement.

3.How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A: Only slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. We will provide you with a book listing THE doctor participating in our plan. We don't pay him much, thus he can't be money-grubbing enough to impede his impartiality. And his office is just a day's drive away from you. And he's extended his office hour to one and a half hours.

4.What are pre-existing conditions?

A: This is a phrase used by the grammitically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

5. Can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

A: Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

6. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A: You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

7. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do? A: Poke yourself in the eyes.

8. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2000 yearly cap. You reimbursed the doctor for my outpatient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?

A: You have two choices: Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

9. What should I do if I get sick while travelling?

A: Try sitting in a different seat.

10. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician (the one that's only a day's drive from you). It's best to wait until you get home, then get sick.

11.I think I need to see a specialist, but your participating doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform heart transplant surgery right in his office?

A: Hard to say, but considering that the $10 co-payment is all you're risking, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.

12.What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?

A: Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

13.Will health care be any different in the next century?