The Thoughts of Rod Schmidt

Steven Wright Look-Alikes

• A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."---Rod Schmidt
• Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.---Rod Schmidt
• How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?---Rod Schmidt
• I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.---Rod Schmidt
• I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.---Rod Schmidt
• I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.---Rod Schmidt
• I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.---Rod Schmidt
• I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.---Rod Schmidt
• I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... boy, were they mad!---Rod Schmidt
• I had amnesia once or twice.---Rod Schmidt
• I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.---Rod Schmidt
• I had my coathangers spayed.---Rod Schmidt
• I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.---Rod Schmidt
• I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "Yes".---Rod Schmidt
• I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.---Rod Schmidt
• I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.---Rod Schmidt
• I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.---Rod Schmidt
• I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.---Rod Schmidt
• I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.---Rod Schmidt
• I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.---Rod Schmidt
• I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.---Rod Schmidt
• I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.---Rod Schmidt
• I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.---Rod Schmidt
• I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.---Rod Schmidt
• I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."---Rod Schmidt
• I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.---Rod Schmidt
• I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"---Rod Schmidt
• I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."---Rod Schmidt
• I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.---Rod Schmidt
• I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.---Rod Schmidt
• I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.---Rod Schmidt
• If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?---Rod Schmidt
• If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?---Rod Schmidt
• If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
• If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?---Rod Schmidt
• In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.---Rod Schmidt
• Is "tired old cliche" one?---Rod Schmidt
• It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.---Rod Schmidt
• Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.---Rod Schmidt
• My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.---Rod Schmidt
• My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.---Rod Schmidt
• My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.---Rod Schmidt
• Smoking cures weight problems... eventually...---Rod Schmidt
• The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.---Rod Schmidt
• The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.---Rod Schmidt
• The sky already fell. Now what?---Rod Schmidt
• The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards.---Rod Schmidt
• The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.---Rod Schmidt
• There aren't enough days in the weekend.---Rod Schmidt
• Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.---Rod Schmidt
• When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.---Rod Schmidt
• Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts.---Rod Schmidt
• Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.---Rod Schmidt
• Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"---Rod Schmidt
• You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.---Rod Schmidt
• You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.---Rod Schmidt